when thank you isnt enough

sooo im not exactly sure how to write what is on my mind or if there is even that much to write about, but there has been a major impactor on my life recently and i am trying to come to terms with the difference that has been made in my life...

let me start by saying that in no way has my life been one of easy travels with small bumps, but with each "impossible" issue that i faced i capitalized and just ran with it. i have tried for years now to turn the hurt, broken promises, and negatives all into stepping stones across a mountain valley but now im at the point where these stepping stones have stopped coming and im just chillin in a open valley with half of a bridge... (if that makes any sense)

the biggest issue that has come into my life about all these issues just stopping here was that i was beginning to almost forget what made me the way i was... the things that formed my thoughts on most of the issues of my life.. why i always check under my bed before i fall asleep or even the order i say my prayers in the morning as i stretch in bed... its just the simple things that make me who i am but i was starting to forget them because i hadnt spoken of it in a while..

the speaking part was an issue all in itself because all though i am an off the chart extrovert i most easily described like an egg. i have a hard shell, but it breaks easily.. the break isnt a bad thing because it just opens up my heart, but like the white of an egg i like to get a hold of everything possible.. but the hardest part of the egg is that yolk.. you actually have to puncture it to get it to ooze... so see it does actually make sense to compare myself to an egg...

but anyway.. on to the reason i am writing this to begin with... like the title of this post says "when thank you isnt enough" i am having trouble letting my impactor know truly how much they have done for me... really she was like the key to what i need right now... it has been a long time since i talked about anything that truly mattered to me, but for some reason this awesome, beautiful, caring person has made her way into my life and right at the forefront of my heart..

i havent actually spoken to someone the way i spoke with her in a very long time and i finally feel like there is meaning in the things that i am doing.. for most people that know me there isnt much i wont say, but for this person there isnt much i cant say... i can share my heart, my thoughts, my fears... it was all there and i was okay with it...

i dont really know how to thank this person because to them all they did was listen and just care, but to me it was like an opened door, a new way to feel about life and a new understanding of myself... its nice to know that there are good people in this world that even thought they might not have had the best life they play the cards they are dealt and still put that hand out for other people.

i know you will read this and this truly isnt what i really want to say to you, but it will do for now.. im going to wipe my tears and head to bed now just thanking GOD for putting you in my life at this point...

peace,

casey

why speak if you're not heard?

im at a place now where people ask for your thoughts but really they just want you to go with what they want... whats the point in even asking if you don't want my opinions, thoughts or ideas... i dont get anything from it except being shut down and that gets no one no where...

like really... if you are going to override my every thought im not going to continue on. i am usually a person that can just carry on through the trials and tribulations, but when i get shut down, turned off, and not listened to im just gonna give up and thats where i am right now...

im in shut down mode.... and this is no good for me or the people around me

the times are changing

as the week rolls to an end theres a lot to think on.. a lot to just soak in..

i turned 21! yes, im legal... but more so the drama that came with it was ridiculous.. it makes you want to truly know the people that you surround yourself with. i think now that you really dont have to like or respect your family especially when they turn there back and talk about you... there should be nothing in this world that comes between you and your family but when they drive the nail what are you to do. in the grand picture of life we are supposed to just forgive like Jesus did. Turn the other cheek like when Judas kissed Jesus... i dont think i am that powerful or prayerful of a person to just forgive when the going gets tough. i offer the hard stuff up to GOD to get the through and he never fails, but whole heartedly i can't just accept the hurt and move on... WWJD? just go with it, move on, FORGIVE...

i cant seem to just be like Jesus and FORGIVE, i need the time to wait out the thoughts and mindfully contemplate the hurt. i know what the answer to my "what should i do prayers are?", but more so i want to know if Jesus was here walking what would He REALLY do... every human on this earth has the power to forgive right away but there is no way that every human does it that way. its hard to see around the hurt even still, but i know in the bottom of my heart that i will forgive, just with a less open, altered relationship...

lets see... altered relationships... that called for some awkward moments at Steph's grad! yep, steph graduated on friday from LSU and it was such an exciting, proud, celebratory moment of not just the parents but every one of us. i was proud to say that my sister graduated and was FINALLY an alum... my time is to come shortly and she honestly said the other day that she cant wait for me to cross the stage and for US to experience the new phase of life together. it was nice to see that she wants me to actually be an active part of her new life with ryan (and eventually babies!!) i was happy to see that she wasnt planning on just going on with life without me as a part of it...

being a part of my siblings lives is important to me because there are no other people in this world that love me the way they do. the fights and frustrations turned into great friendships... our shared joys and sorrows made us an unbreakable force formally know as "the gang"! our lives are all moving in different directions, one to Dallas, one to NOLA, one to Virginia.. and here i am in the good ole Baton Rouge pedaling along to get away from here... i want to go far but not too far... i want to have that "gang" to fall back on and have around for holidays...

moving on is part of life and there is nothing we can do about it, but the gang will stay together no matter what and where and how hard it will be... we are that group that was formed by 2 great people and we owe it all to them!

peace for now....

casey

footprints

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go.

Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts.

And we are never, ever the same.”

i have been thinking a lot lately about the people that matter to me in my life. the people that make me keep going, help me through the hard stuff and join in all the fun. lately I have had the opportunity to trust in and talk to a new person and its nice to have that go to person especially with life going the way it is.

when life is just not going the way you want it to a simple conversation matters. just the simple "how was your day?" means the world to me when im in a a fog or not on my game...

its hard to admit it but im not perfect and to have those people to run to really helps. they don't judge they just listen and understand and take it all in. but the hardest part for me is the sharing. im not one of many personal words its mostly all surface stuff. i can express myself much better through words or art... its hard for me just to spit it out because its so raw and real that i don't want to see the reaction of someone that cares so much about me. its hard to see a person hurt for you when all you want is them to be there to build you up.. hence my locked up, been boarded for years emotional chest that is thousands of miles away from my thoughts...

its not gonna be easy but im taking the steps to be more open.. to be more aware of what my past brings to my future and how that no matter what the baggage is there is someone that has it worse than i do. in no way was my life easy but every trial i walked through has lifted me higher today and eventually will raise me up to do great things

peace

casey

summer of something

as friends have already begun their adventures to other countries or finish up packing in the midst of their finals i find myself in a rather odd place. i have plans for the summer.. an internship, a job, a wedding to finish planning and stand in, life decisions to make... but is this summer really going to mean something?

there are people that are serving others at awesome locations across the country, some just experiencing life in a whole new way, and some going off to these grand places for internships and jobs and fun... but here i am stuck in the BR making plans for daily travels to Hammond and nights in Mandeville with occasional weekend trips to Monroe... but there's nothing exciting, nothing is life changing, nothing is truly sparking my interest...

i know its things that i have to complete to get out of school and move on with life, but why didnt i take this last collegiate summer to travel or serve or spend time at home with the family i love so much?

it really makes me wonder if something or anything for that matter will be worthwhile this summer...

i guess we shall see soon

peace,

casey

???

as i have a few moments in my day to just sit and take in the beauty of my college campus, i make my way to the greek amphitheater to take in the smells and the sights of my campus i adore so much... this semester is coming to a close and i have to say that some of my best moments here in college have come from these past few months..

lets talk about the change.. the semester started with steph engaged to ryan getting married in a year and soon turned into a race against the clock to get it all done by this june... SG elections took up most of my time, but brought me new friends that help me to grow in so many ways i don't really understand it yet...

my junior year is wrapping up and i have grown into a more mature self confidence young woman of GOD... my junior year as a whole, both this spring and the past fall have brought great change to my life. the most noticeable is the weigh loss and confidence gain, but more so i have made new friends that see the good that i do and appreciate me for all that i am.

i have these moments were i stop and ask GOD why He planned it out this way. why he waited so long to bring old friends back into my life to cheer me on and help me out. i wonder if we would have always remanded friends if we would still be learning this much from each other? i wonder why its taken me this long in my college career to want GOD as a part of my and get that relationship i used to have back.

its been a lot of change, old friends are gone but replaced by new friends, lasting friendships still holding strong... new classes and new faces, a blog that inspires me to just say what i feel and not keep it all in, a young beautiful spirit that reminds me to take a breath and just have fun...

there have been some negatives too, loosing friends because of my change, loosing sight of my faith because i got so caught up in the why and how and the everyday, but for all the negatives the positives trump ten fold.... there are no regrets except for the few times i could be giving more of myself than i was, but we all live and learn and do better next time...

peace,

casey

good friends? nope, GREAT friends!

spring break is over and its a quick jolt back into reality with a book to read for a test and a research paper due in just a few days... it will all get done i know, but im still in spring break mode so its gonna be an interesting week..

the break was nice, besides the actual surgery part its been nice to see who really cares and makes an effort to check in on you. its really cool to see the people come out of the wood work to comfort you and just talk (or type) to you when you lonely bored and miserable.

i have to say the truth comes out when something serious goes on.. you know whos got your back and who doesnt...you know which friends are true and which are fake.. its hard to realize sometimes, but for me i am pleased to say that most of my "friends" have my back. its nice to know the real ones from the fake ones... honestly: when a friend checks in on you when they are out on the beach, at home for the first time in months, serving others miles and miles away or simply too busy to handle life you know they really care...

its been nice to see all the caring loving spirit around me and im interested to see how far it goes from here.. i know the break gave most of us time to just sit back and have conversations about life, about GOD, about whatever might be on our minds, but are your true friends really just the ones that sweep in at a time of need or do they stay around for the ordinary stuff... if they can pull through when you need them, but not come around when the MTWTFSS routines are in play is it really a good friend?

peace,

casey